How to Write Wedding Vows When You Don't Know Where to Start

There is something uniquely intimidating about a blank page when the words you're trying to write are your wedding vows.

You know this person.

You love this person.

You may have built a home together, raised children together, travelled together, weathered difficult seasons together and spent thousands of perfectly ordinary days beside one another.

And yet suddenly someone asks you to put into words what this person means to you—and your mind goes completely blank.

Where on earth do you begin?

First, know this:

You do not have to be a writer to write beautiful wedding vows.

You don't need to be particularly poetic. You don't need to make everyone laugh. You certainly don't need to make everyone cry.

Your vows simply need to sound like you speaking to the person you love.

In fact, some of the most moving wedding vows aren't elaborate at all. They're honest. They're specific. And somewhere within them are real promises about the marriage two people are choosing to build together.

So rather than sitting down with the enormous task of “writing your wedding vows,” let's begin somewhere much easier.

Let's figure out what you actually want to say.

Before You Write, Talk to Each Other

This might seem like an unusual place to begin, but before either of you starts writing, have a conversation about the vows themselves.

You don't have to tell one another what you're going to say, but it helps enormously to establish a few ground rules.

Will you both write your own vows?

Will you write them together?

Will you make the same promises to one another or will your vows be completely different?

Will you show them to each other before the ceremony, or keep them a surprise?

And approximately how long would you each like them to be?

These little logistical decisions can prevent a surprisingly common situation: one person arrives at the wedding with a beautifully concise minute-long vow while the other unfolds three pages of handwritten notes.

Neither person has done anything wrong—but the moment can feel a little unbalanced.

You also don't have to choose completely different vows simply because you're writing your own.

If one or both of you feel shy about speaking such personal words in front of everyone you know, you might write your vows together and make the same promises to one another.

There are no bonus points for making yourselves uncomfortable.

And if there are deeply personal things you want to say but don't necessarily want to say into a microphone in front of your guests, save them for a private moment. Write letters to exchange on the morning of your wedding. Share private vows before the ceremony. Step aside together later in the evening.

Not every meaningful word needs an audience.

Don't Start by Trying to Write Something Beautiful

This may be the most useful advice I can give you:

Don't begin by writing your vows.

At least, not yet.

When people sit down and immediately try to write something romantic, they often begin sounding like someone else.

Suddenly perfectly normal people who have never used the word “beloved” in their lives are contemplating sentences like, “From the moment our souls first intertwined…”

If that genuinely sounds like you, wonderful.

If it doesn't, put down the thesaurus.

Before you worry about beautiful sentences, spend some time remembering.

Your vows will eventually emerge from those memories.

Start at the Beginning

Think back to when you first met.

What did you notice about this person?

What did you think of them?

Did you know immediately that there was something different about them—or absolutely not?

Then ask yourself:

When did I realize I was falling in love?

Try to be specific.

Maybe it wasn't during a candlelit dinner or on a beautiful vacation.

Perhaps it was while watching them patiently help your child with something.

Maybe it was the way they cared for you when you were sick.

Perhaps you were sitting in a terrible restaurant laughing uncontrollably.

Maybe they rattled off an obscure baseball statistic and you thought, Oh no. I think I love this person.

The ordinary details are often what make vows extraordinary because they're yours.

Your guests don't need to understand every reference, but avoid making the whole thing so full of private jokes that only the two of you know what's going on.

You're looking for the moments that reveal something about your relationship.

Think About Who You Were Before This Person

Here's another question I often encourage couples to consider:

What do I have in my life now that I didn't have before I met this person?

I'm not talking about a house or a dog or a really good espresso machine.

Think about who you are.

Maybe you feel safer.

Braver.

More adventurous.

More grounded.

Perhaps you've learned to slow down. Or take risks. Or trust someone. Maybe this person has brought more laughter into your life or helped you see possibilities you wouldn't have seen on your own.

Complete this sentence:

Before I met you, I ________. Now I ________.

Then try:

Because of you, I see the world ________.

You may not use those exact sentences in your finished vows. That's okay.

Right now, we're gathering the raw material.

Pay Attention to the Ordinary Things

Here's one of my favourite questions:

What do you miss most when you're apart?

The answer may be surprisingly mundane.

Maybe it's the cup of coffee they leave beside you every morning.

The ridiculous commentary while you're watching television.

The way they always know where you left your keys.

Their feet touching yours in bed.

The sound of them coming through the door at the end of the day.

Don't dismiss these things because they don't seem profound enough for wedding vows.

A marriage is made up of an enormous number of ordinary days.

Sometimes saying “I miss drinking coffee with you in the morning” tells us considerably more about a relationship than another grand declaration about eternal love.

Your document puts this beautifully into a simple starting sentence:

“You are such a part of my life that when we are not together, I…” 

Finish that sentence honestly and see where it takes you.

Tell Them What You Admire About Them

Now turn your attention completely toward your partner.

What do you most respect about them?

What are three qualities you admire?

What do you want the rest of the world to know about this person?

And perhaps most interestingly:

What quality in them has inspired something in you?

Maybe their patience has taught you to slow down.

Their courage has made you braver.

Their generosity has changed the way you think about giving.

Their curiosity has opened up the world.

Their resilience has shown you what it means to keep going.

You might begin with:

“Your ________ has shown me how to ________.”

Again, don't worry about whether that exact sentence survives into the final version.

You're discovering what you want your partner to hear.

Look Back—but Also Look Forward

Wedding vows aren't only about everything that brought you to your wedding day.

They're about where you're going next.

Imagine yourselves ten years from now.

Twenty.

Forty.

What do you hope your life looks like?

Maybe you imagine children or grandchildren around a kitchen table.

Perhaps you want to travel.

Build a home.

Grow a garden.

Start a business.

Live somewhere completely different.

Or perhaps the picture is beautifully ordinary: growing older beside one another and continuing to find reasons to laugh.

Ask yourself:

What am I most looking forward to about our life together?

Your wedding is a milestone, but your ceremony isn't the destination.

It's the beginning.  

Remember That Wedding Vows Should Contain Vows

This sounds obvious, but it is surprisingly easy to forget.

Personal vows can become beautiful love letters.

You tell the story of how you met. You say what you adore about your partner. Everyone laughs. Someone cries.

And then you finish.

But you haven't actually vowed anything.

The promises are the heart of wedding vows.

So once you've told your partner something about what they mean to you, turn toward the marriage you're creating.

What can you actually promise them?

There can be big promises:

I promise to stand beside you when life is difficult.

I promise to keep choosing us.

I promise to listen, even when we don't agree.

I promise to protect the life we build together.

But there can also be smaller, wonderfully specific promises.

Your original vow-writing guide uses the example of promising to take the dog outside in the morning—even when it's snowing.

Those promises matter too.

In fact, combining the profound with the ordinary can make personal vows feel particularly authentic.

Marriage contains both.

There will be enormous life-changing moments, and there will be mornings when someone needs to take the dog out.

Your vows can make room for both.

What Will Hold You Together When Life Is Difficult?

This is another place where vows can become deeper than simply describing how happy you are right now.

Ask yourselves:

What is the bedrock of our relationship?

What has already carried you through difficult seasons?

Maybe it's your resilience.

Your friendship.

Your faith.

Your shared sense of humour.

Your ability to talk things through.

The fact that even when you're frustrated with one another, you remain a team.

What do you share that you can return to when marriage inevitably asks more of you?

Try completing:

“Even when ________, we will have ________.”

There may be a promise hiding inside your answer.

Yes, Your Vows Can Be Funny

Please don't feel that every sentence needs to carry the emotional weight of a Shakespearean sonnet.

If humour is part of your relationship, it should probably be part of your vows.

A small joke can also give both of you—and everyone listening—a moment to breathe.

But there's an important distinction between personal humour and embarrassing your partner.

Your vows probably aren't the place for a story they wish you hadn't told, an inside joke nobody else understands, or a punchline at their expense.

Warmth works beautifully.

Humiliation doesn't.

Your vow-writing guide puts it simply: vows can be funny and warm, but they should still reflect the magnitude of the commitment you're making.

You Don't Have to Reinvent Wedding Vows

You are also allowed to borrow from tradition.

If there are words in traditional wedding vows that genuinely resonate with you—honour, cherish, in sickness and in health, for all the days of my life—you don't have to reject them simply because someone has said them before.

Those words have endured for a reason.

Take what means something to you and make it your own.

Your vows can contain familiar promises alongside very personal ones. Your guide suggests exactly this approach: use the parts of traditional vows that resonate, then add language and details from your own relationship.

A Simple Structure for Writing Your Wedding Vows

Once you've answered some of these questions, you'll probably have far more material than you realize.

Now we can shape it.

I like a simple structure:

1. Begin with your partner.

Tell them what you love, admire or recognize in them.

2. Say something about the two of you.

Share a memory, what your relationship has taught you, or what makes the life you've created together special.

3. Make your promises.

Choose a handful of meaningful vows—some big, perhaps one or two delightfully ordinary.

4. Look forward.

Say something about the life you're choosing and what you're looking forward to experiencing together.

This follows the same basic structure I give couples in my vow-writing guide: begin with what is wonderful about your partner, move into who you are together, and then say what you're promising one another.

You don't need seventeen paragraphs.

You need a beginning, a middle, some actual promises and an ending that feels like you.

Seven Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Write

If you're still staring at that blank page, close the document.

Take out a notebook and answer these instead:

1. When did I first realize I loved this person?

2. How is my life different because they're in it?

3. What do I admire most about them?

4. What ordinary thing about our life together would I miss terribly if it disappeared?

5. What has carried us through difficult times?

6. What do I hope our life looks like many years from now?

7. What do I genuinely want to promise this person?

   
   

Don't try to make the answers beautiful.

Just make them true.

Your original guide actually takes couples through a much larger collection of questions—from memories and shared values to hopes, metaphors, commitments and the qualities they admire in one another.  

But you don't have to answer everything.

Sometimes one good question unlocks everything you were trying to say.

How Long Should Wedding Vows Be?

There isn't one correct length.

Your original guide's advice is the advice I would keep:

Less is often more.

Be concise enough that you're getting to the heart of what your partner means to you.

And remember that your vows aren't your only opportunity to tell your partner how you feel.

There may be letters exchanged before the ceremony, speeches at the reception, anniversary cards and—hopefully—a lifetime of opportunities to say the rest.

You don't have to fit your entire relationship into one piece of paper.

Read Them Out Loud

Once you think you're finished, don't simply proofread your vows silently.

Say them.

Out loud.

Wedding vows are written to be spoken, not read on a screen.

You'll immediately hear sentences that are too long or phrases that don't sound like something you'd actually say.

If you stumble over the same sentence three times in your kitchen, there's a decent chance you'll stumble over it during your ceremony too.

Simplify it.

And while you're reading, ask yourself:

Does this sound like me?

Your original guide identifies finding your voice as one of the first steps in the process and encourages couples to decide whether their natural tone is humorous, touching, poetic or something else entirely. Most importantly, the words should feel as though they're coming from your heart.

That's still the test at the end.

And What If I Cry?

You might.

Your partner might.

Your mother almost certainly might.

That's okay.

You aren't delivering a presentation.

You are standing in front of someone you love and making some of the most significant promises of your life.

Take your time.

Breathe.

Look at your partner.

Laugh if you need to.

Cry if you need to.

Then keep going.

Nobody attending your wedding is grading your delivery.

They're witnessing it.

Your Vows Don't Need to Impress Anyone

Perhaps this is the most important thing to remember.

Your vows are not a writing competition.

They're not an audition.

They're not an opportunity to prove that your relationship is more romantic, more interesting or

more profound than anyone else's.

You don't need to write the greatest wedding vows anyone has ever heard.

You need to look at the person you've chosen and say something true.

Tell them why they matter.

Tell them something about the life you've shared.

Tell them what you hope for the life ahead.

And then make them some promises you intend to keep.

Because when the flowers have wilted, the photographs have been delivered and your wedding day has become a memory, those promises are what remain.

Your wedding vows aren't simply words for your ceremony.

They're words for your marriage.

Need a Little Help Finding the Words?

I'm Brittany Shannon, a Certified Life-Cycle Celebrant® and registered Ontario Marriage Officiant based in Prince Edward County.

One of my favourite parts of creating wedding ceremonies is helping couples find language that actually sounds like them—whether that means writing deeply personal vows, adapting traditional ones, sharing private vows or deciding that repeating a few simple and meaningful promises feels exactly right.

There is no single correct way to write wedding vows.

There is simply the question of what you want to say—and how you want to say it.

If you're planning a wedding in Prince Edward County or the surrounding area and would like help creating a ceremony that feels personal and meaningful, explore my wedding ceremony services.